Today's Edition Page 2
crime punishable by fine and medication. There is no reason to avoid Y sector or anyone who has been there. Thank you for your cooperation.
In other news, Epsilon clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a field organizer in H&C assigned to H-11 sector, unmasked her supervisor, Epsilon clearance citizen Yorkle Treadmont, for the heinous criminal he really is. In addition to other crimes, citizen Yorkle has been charged with embezzling credits with the malicious intent to divert them to the black market. Together with Hillary Binzer, a forewoman leading one of Marsha's teams, and at great risk to themselves, these two, brave stalwarts of incorruptibility managed to obtain a plastex ring with an embedded microchip containing the credits in question. Before she could turn it over to Homeland Security, however, the ring was discovered in citizen Marsha's possession. Fortunately, during her brief interrogation she was able to set the record straight. As a reward for her loyalty, citizen Marsha will assume citizen Yorkle's place in middle management. Citizen Hillary will be promoted to Epsilon clearance and move up to field organizer. Let us take a stretch to congratulate the both of them. Congratulations, Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer. You serve as an example to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Broadcast each daystretch on the tube, it disseminates frank but accessible wisdom from one of our most cherished citizens, the renowned behavioral scientist, Carlton Smickett. This weekstretch we learned some useful eating habits. Exercise before your evening meal, and always pick clean your bowl of fresh, revitalizing Vitamim! We think the words of citizen Carlton himself say it best: “I'm living a happy, fulfilling life, and I think it shows.”
And now for some public service announcements.
Harmin Luckstone's newest action film, “I Think I Just Vomited In Your Bunghole”, will be released to great fanfare this coming weekstretch everywhere throughout the Bunker. Don't miss citizen Harmin's latest antics! Also, due to a surplus of paperclips, citizens are reminded to fill out all forms on standard issue paper. Electronic submission of most forms on X.net will be disabled until further notice. And don't forget the Developmental Engineering conglomerate will be installing their newest atmospheric safety control system in A sector! Ambient temperatures may temporarily drop as much as fifty degrees Celsius. Stay calm and rest assured there is nothing to be concerned about. Lastly, due to an infernal buzzing noise somewhere on the electrical grid, a strict quarantine has been put into effect for departments Y-3 through Y-8 and Y-11 through Y-15.
The Color of the Patriot is denim.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
We are proud to announce that the terrorists have finally been vanquished. There are no traitors left to threaten our prized utopia. As a result, the Homeland Security conglomerate will be disbanded, the interrogation chambers dismantled, and all the cameras will be taken down.
Just kidding!
In other news... well, we suppose we could go through the usual litany of sabotage, subterfuge, and subversion, but this weekstretch our editors thought it would be fun to try something different. This installment of Today's Edition is therefore dedicated to you, the average working citizen and unsung hero of the Bunker. Ninety-eight percent of the population has no security clearance or distinguishing qualities whatsoever. Each daystretch, you gladly toil away at your assigned duties as the pleasant notes of the Anthem of the Patriot linger in the background. Whether you are a reactor core attendant, foundry assistant, or teamster, the Bunker could not persevere without unremarkable people like you, afraid to stray too far from the top of the bell curve. As a special reward for being loyal, dependable, and entirely predictable, the boys over at Control have decided to distribute an additional ten credits to each and every citizen in the Bunker. You will find that your Card has already been updated. Spend them wisely!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Is your permanent record an embarrassment to yourself and your employer? Marks of Excellence may be hard to come by, but they are certainly within reach of everyone. And we all know what happens if they should ever be outweighed by those unenviable Marks of Shame. Your permanent record is freely available to anyone who requests it on X.net. If that's a problem, call us over at Second Chances, Inc (TM)! You'll be glad you did. Although official reprimands cannot be removed from your permanent record under any circumstances and you should certainly never suggest such a heinous crime to any of our helpful and pragmatic service agents, we can help you break the vicious cycle of dejection and underachievement. In no time at all, Marks of Shame will be a thing of the past, and you will have accrued all the official commendations you know you deserve. So don't hesitate! Grab your PA and give us a call over at Second Chances, Inc (TM). “Everyone deserves a Second Chance (TM).”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? We are proud to announce that popular demand for the invaluable advice being dispensed on the tube daily has surpassed even the production engineers' own projections. Do you have a special concern? Perhaps you are unsure how hard a line to take against that errant citizen in tomorrow's Caring Demonstration. Or you were wondering whether used tissue paper is suitable for recycling? In a spat with your mates back in the barracks over the communal storage space under the bottom bunk? Why not grab your PA and shoot the production engineers a short email describing your concern. Remember: the Bunker is a utopia, so you don't have any problems! It's all a matter of perspective, citizen. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a shortage of standard issue paper, all citizens are requested to write using very tiny letters. Also, the quarantine in Y sector has been expanded to departments Y-2, Y-9, Y-10, X-7, and X-15. If you happen to have missing acquaintances or loved ones known to frequent Y sector, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. They are participating in a routine safety drill.
The Color of the Patriot is twinkle.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
A major disaster was narrowly averted at the Serendipity medical clinic in the Michael Gerard Grimm building G-10 sector. After patients treated at the clinic began to report severe bouts of nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, a team of first responders from Defense cordoned off the premises and moved in. Highly trained and professionally heroic, they quickly zeroed in on the culprit: abnormally high levels of beta particle emission from the clinic's bank of X-ray machines. The element thulium – the source of X-rays in the Bunker's state-of-the-art medical equipment – has many radioisotopes, but only a few ar
e considered safe. An investigation is ongoing, but sabotage has not been ruled out. Citizens are requested to be on the alert and report suspicious activity as soon as it is observed. Only you can prevent the illegal trafficking of dangerous waste from our nuclear power facilities!
In other news, a new dwarf planet has been catalogued by sky charters from Procurement. Located in the Kuiper belt beyond the orbit of Neptune, its great distance from the Bunker as well unremarkable composition render it a poor candidate for mining. However, our sky charters have determined that it is not likely to suffer any catastrophic collisions in the near future. The as yet unnamed planetoid could conceivably be used as a staging ground for exploration of the far reaches of our solar system, including the famed Oort Cloud. This region of space defines the limits of our solar system and marks the end of the sun's gravitational dominance. The Bunker is renowned for its technological innovation. One daystretch, our fellow citizens will tread on the very planets of Alpha Centauri itself. Stand proud, citizen!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Prototypical, Inc (TM), your trusted supplier of nuclear powered batteries, is pleased to announce our latest line of