Today's Edition Page 4
us knows he lives in a utopia, but how often do we take the time to appreciate our good fortune? Is the basis of our happiness merely an abundance of food, work, and security? Surely, it must add up to more than those material things. What about the unique togetherness, our special camaraderie? What of joyful evenings spent in the company of our bunkmates, eating NiceCream and watching Bloodbrawl on the tube? What of Ms. Bits and the other tireless cybots that assist us daily without preference or complaint? These intangibles are inherent to our utopia and give it depth. Let us take a stretch and be thankful for Control's tireless efforts which make this all possible. It behooves us not only as human beings but also as good citizens. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Central Management has recently determined that the optimal length of a queue is exactly twenty-five persons. Citizens are therefore advised to join any inadequate queue they happen upon and refrain from waiting in any queue that has already grown to the optimal, patriotic size. In the coming weekstretch, thought leaders will be spreading out in the Bunker's corridors to organize spontaneous practice sessions. Why not show them as well as your neighbors that you know the patriotic length of a queue, too? Also, the tours of the food pits conducted last weekstretch in U-12 sector were a huge success. However, a few errant citizens insist upon spreading vicious rumors about what they might have seen there. These traitors would have us believe that actual human bodies are being fed into the pits as a source of protein. Some even claim that yesterday's breakfast consisted partly of citizen Madhukar Gobsha himself. Nothing could be further from the truth. Citizen Madhukar's body was horribly mangled and disfigured and so could not possibly have been recognized by anyone. So much for the reliability of these degenerate misfits.
The Color of the Patriot is limelight.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
Because of its enormous success, the Human Resources conglomerate has decided to spin off Today's Edition (TM) to an unnamed private firm for an undisclosed price. Rest assured that the transfer of ownership will in no way affect your enjoyment of Today's Edition (TM). Our editorial staff remains firmly in place. Due to budgetary constraints, however, subscribers will henceforth be asked to pay a nominal fee. You have chosen to opt in automatically. That's right! You don't have to do anything to continue to have access to the best and most highly rated e-zine according to the Journalists' Trade Guild!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
For as long as most citizens can remember, the Wellness Pyramid T-4 sector has been empty, apparently abandoned. Located on the main corridor to the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino, we have all had ample opportunity to ponder its eventual fate. Originally constructed as a combination playground and hazardous waste containment facility, funding for the project mysteriously evaporated when its chief sponsor, Blood In The Corridors Ltd (TM), turned out to be a front for that notorious band of gangsters, Frontal Lobotomy. Although little more than an empty shell filled with row upon row of tiny containment cells, its exterior is a masterpiece of artistic achievement, having been designed in the post-agressive style. Everyone seems to agree that it would be a shame to destroy such a fine example of utopian aesthetics. Now, in a surprise development, it would appear new life is being breathed into the structure. Several daystretches ago, a building crew accompanied by a convoy of truckpods was unexpectedly spotted on the premises. The crew's foreman refused to answer questions, citing strict instructions from his supervisor, but the implication was clear. For now, however, what exactly is going on inside the Wellness Pyramid remains a delightful mystery.
In other news, a new planetary orbiter and ballistic missile battery was launched from the Antonin G. Scalia spaceport M sector ...[[ BAD CHECKSUM ]] ... recovered along with the wreckage. First responders from Defense have been dispatched ... [[ DATA TRANSMISSION ERROR ]] ... Are we live? Yes? They can read what I'm saying? Oh, right. Yeah. Better make this quick. Hey, uh, people. Yo. That's like, “greetings” in Earth talk. That's right. Earth. Don't believe the lies! Earth was the utopia! Yeah, yeah, I know, we don't have much time before they trace us. Listen, people, if you want to know the truth, seek us out on X.net. What? Oh, yeah, we're called The Coven. We're the only link to the past you'll ever find. And we have genuine artifacts from Earth to prove it! ... [[ REWRITING DATA STREAM ]] ... Time's up! Hey, don't forget what Barney Max said! You have nothing ... [[ RECOVERY COMPLETE ]] ... put a dent in our collective pride, never mind impede the progress of a great and spacefaring people.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Our neighbors and bunkmates are joyful friends, full of laughter and folksy wisdom. But occasionally, they may vex us with loud noises or other seemingly inconsiderate disturbances. We might be tempted to think such activity is deliberate. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are human beings, and even in a utopia human beings make innocent mistakes. Before resorting to foul language and antisocial behavior, try having a kindly word with your neighbor. There's never any reason for fisticuffs or similar nonsense, especially since such incidents often result in an official reprimand or even incarceration. So let's all take a deep breath and stay friends. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
All citizens are invited to participate in today's sing-along hosted by Control in all sectors throughout the Bunker! Join in when you hear the Anthem of the Patriot wherever you happen to be. It's fun, patriotic, and mandatory! Also, mobile checkpoints are being set up at various sector exchanges in E, F, and H sectors. Manned by guardians from Defense, they will be requesting to examine your Cards. Please queue up quickly and silently. No more than twenty-five citizens at a time! Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is effervescent.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizens in T-4 sector were horrified to find a repulsive, brown sludge leaking from the Wellness Pyramid yesterday. Located on the main corridor to the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino, the Wellness Pyramid stood abandoned until two weekstretches ago when a building crew took over the site. Since then, loud noises and intensive drilling have been heard but no news of what is going on inside made available. The pungent odor preceding the sludge is intense enough to induce vomiting. Cleanbots have been dispatched to the area in sufficient numbers. Citizens are reminded that regurgitating their meals is an unhygienic practice punishable by fine and the introduction of a preventative gag.
In other news, the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino is hosting its annual Shark Swim event. Held over the next three daystretches, the Shark Swim is a forum for the Bunker's greatest athletes to demonstrate their prowess and speed. Eight swimmers enter the fifty meter pool in each heat and swim various distances announced at the start. Following close behind is the shark, a metallic contraption with a large, tooth
ed maw capable of snapping off extremities. The heat's winner and runner-up proceed to the following rounds, which are held after the losers' parts can be fished from the pool. The climax is held on the last daystretch of the event. A standing ovation is awarded the victor, along with Fifteen Minutes of Fame and a yearstretch's supply of Algatine. Large crowds are anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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