Today's Edition Page 3
detached power sources for your steppod, scooter, or car. Our newest models can even be plugged in to your favorite help- or petbot! They weigh less and last longer, and they are compatible with all standard charging stations. Worried about noxious leaks and deadly poisons? We are happy to report that our customers suffer fewer fatalities due to structural malfunction than the next leading brand. Just check out the statistics on our site in X.net! Prototypical, Inc (TM). “The convenience is always worth the risk.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Proper etiquette of speech is just as relevant to the quality of our daily life as hygiene and fulfilling our daily quotas. Even the most careful and diligent citizen sometimes uses words that are not listed in the Guidelines on Vocabulary and Proper Grammar. Take the word “car”, a common synonym for “autopod”. Popular rumor has it that the word originates from Earth. Nothing could be further from the truth. The earthlings were despicable people who destroyed their planet out of uncontrolled greed and malice. No product of theirs could ever find a home in our pleasant utopia. In fact, the word “car” was coined by citizen Robert Ford, a young anchorman on the Loyalty Stretch who suffered from an unfortunate aversion to words with multiple syllables. Still, it is by all means preferable to use the official nomenclature when referring to your own, personal movepod. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a shortage of X-ray machines, all citizens with broken bones are requested to describe the nature and location of the fracture before treatment. Also, Y sector no longer exists, nor has it ever existed. If you happen to have missing acquaintances or loved ones believed to frequent Y sector, you are delusional and should report for a memory wash. And remember, Nutty the Happy Neutron is your friend! We all know Nutty is fond of reminding us that nuclear power is safe and efficient. This coming weekstretch be on the lookout as Nutty makes a number of cameo appearances on vidshows you trust and enjoy. There's absolutely nothing to get worked up about!
The Color of the Patriot is sasquatch.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Having trouble staying awake? We know you work hard, citizen. After all, you're dedicated. But the terrorists are lurking out there, and their cowardly attacks have regrettable consequences. Consider the case of Helga Dorflefuster, a heroic statistical analyst at Central Management. It's nearing the end of her daystretch, but the results of yesterday's survey of nutritional competency have been delayed due to an anomalous power surge and the subsequent lockdown. Now the stack of forms has arrived. Is she going to shut down her terminal, return to her barracks, and put off today's work for tomorrow? Of course not! She knows it's vitally important her supervisor find out whether food dispensers at your community dining hall are fully aware of the health benefits of Brown Flavor. But citizen Helga is suffering from fatigue. She can hardly keep her eyes open. That's right, citizen, she's in need of a pep pill! But not just any brand of pep pill. Citizen Helga relies on Sedeterol (TM). Don't you? Just one pretty pink capsule and in a matter of moments she's gushing with energy. She'll have those surveys scored in no time! Sedeterol (TM) is freely dispensed for a nominal fee at health clinics, dining halls, and a vending machine near you. Take as many as you need for as long as you need them! There are no significant side effects. “Sedeterol (TM)! Not your average kick in the ass.”
And now our top story.
Two daystretches ago, a gargantuan billboard overlooking the George C. Wallace Plaza F-7 sector crashed unexpectedly to the floor. The entire cast of “How'd You Get So Loyal?” was killed. Witnesses confirm that a thought leader from Central Management – his identity has yet to be released by the authorities – was on location directing the film crew despite the presence of a qualified professional from Human Resources. Highly trained to fill sudden gaps in the mid-level management chain, thought leaders are capable of setting goals, evaluating progress, and sending emails in virtually any situation. Forensics experts from Homeland Security are conducting an investigation. Preliminary results indicate the billboard's mount had been deliberately weakened by an unknown acidic compound. Strangely enough, no one can recall who requested the thought leader's services, and his supervisor over at the home office is denying responsibility. A search for the recalcitrant thought leader is ongoing.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? The freedom to express his genuine opinion – uninhibited by fear of retribution – is guaranteed to each and every citizen of the Bunker. Contrast our happy situation with that of the unfortunates on Earth. Each person there had to censor his social interaction – not to mention beg, cajole, and otherwise demean himself in a brutal ritual called the interview – just to be accepted into an institution of learning or obtain one of their artificially scarce jobs. No wonder every last one of them dissolved into a smoldering pit of hot ash! Here in the Bunker, statements made on X.net are never scrutinized by our supervisors or parole officers before making important personnel decisions. We appreciate the patchwork of unique, diverse communities that has sprung up around the Bunker because they are the vibrant backbone of our felicitous utopia. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Femke Borscht discusses her role in “Who Just Shat In My Pants: The Finale, Part Seven” in an intimate, hourstretch-long conversation arranged by Your Magazine. Fans of Femka Borscht will be sure to watch as she reveals her panties and whether she prefers PermaChunky or PermaCrunchy! And over the next several daystretches, officials at P&L will be conducting tours of the food pits in U-11 sector. Come one, come all! A privilege normally reserved for Wards of the State, for a limited time you, too, can learn how healthy, delicious Vitamim is brought into the world before it emerges from the spigots at your local commissary. Don't miss out!
The Color of the Patriot is mellow yellow.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Riots broke out in R-7 sector during a surprise appearance by celebrity manager and Beta clearance citizen Milfred Roth at the Restless Yew Tavern, where he was signing autographs and yelling at people. The Restless Yew Tavern is a dining facility catering to shoppers in an exclusive commercial district restricted to those with a security clearance. Although he has served in many senior positions and can sit through a whole daystretch of meetings with flair and bravado, Milfred Roth is best known for his smashing work on the Board of Directors of Dagon Textiles, Ltd (TM), where he famously sacked an entire production unit including its cybots. Milfred Roth certainly needs no introduction to anyone of Epsilon clearance or higher. Still, boundless enthusiasm for any visiting celebrity – even the Bunker's seminal executive talent – is no reason for unruly and destructive behavior. In the ensuing chaos, the Restless Yew Tavern and several of the adjoining stores were destroyed beyond repair. The instigators have been identified from the surveillance and detained. Doubtless, their sinister motives will soon be uncovered.
In other news, Alpha clearance citizen Madhukar Gobsha died peacefully at his home in F-1 sector early last weekstretch. According to the autopsy report, he fell down a flight of stairs twice. Only fifty-one yearstretches of age, citizen Madhukar started as a pathfinder in the Procurement conglomerate. He didn't spend very l
ong out on the surface of the planet scouring for ores, however. Known for a fierce dedication to his work combined with an uncanny ability to survive accidents – many of which claimed the lives of his co-workers – he quickly rose up the ranks. Eventually, he was promoted to Alpha clearance and made head of External Operations, the pinnacle of his career. The External Operations division of Procurement is responsible for the steady supply of resources streaming in to the Bunker from the asteroid belt. As most of the Bunker's supply of water is obtained off-world, its head commands considerable influence. We will surely miss him. Citizens interested in paying their respects to citizen Madhukar Gobsha may do so in the Sarah L. Palin Plaza F-6 sector, where they will find a delightful collage of revealing snaps of this famous citizen framing a large, detailed portrait.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? It is not only appropriate but also deeply rewarding to occasionally reflect on how lucky we are to be inhabitants of the Bunker. The quality of life here is unprecedented. Each one of